Crying Japanese Babies

A competition held in Hiroshima where giant sumo wrestlers get little babies to cry. The baby that cries the quickest and loudest wins. Japan, I think you are taking it too far, no? I've been accused of having a Japan obsession, but with content like this, a girl can't help herself.

Edward Scissorhands Gets Laid Off, Gets a Hobby

"Today, I constructed my own wolverine claws then I proceeded to pounce on cardboard boxes like a baby cat all day long, because nothing says power like cutting through a box."

I can watch :26 all night long and not get tired of it. This man built fake wolverine claws (problem #1, unless you are a wolverine or have a lawn and gardening business), jumped off a kiddy trampoline (problem #2), catching approximately 2 feet of air, and landed fist first into his lethal target, a cardboard box (problem #3). I'm not suggesting you slash a human to make this more life-like, but at least put those claws to good use and tear up that god awful couch.

Who let the dogs out, and ironed them on your jacket?

To apologize for a week of no blog posts, I thought only a swinetastic jacket would do. Please note that Lassie is winking... at you. Enjoy. 

If Blossom and Family Matters were still on the air, even Ahmadinejad would have a soft spot for the US

I don't know why I'm on his blast from the past kick - first Alf, now Blossom, Six and Urkel - but hey, they don't make intros like this anymore. Hell, they don't make sitcoms anymore. If Blossom was on TV today, she'd be doing those dance moves in a bikini, holding scorpions while balancing on a tight rope. Down with reality TV! Except Rock of Love and Tough Love because those shows should have TV tenure. Don't judge me.

WARNING: Never Look a Gorilla in the Eye!

A gorilla named Bokito escaped from Rotterdam Zoo recently. During his escape the animal attacked a female visitor, who had frequent eye contact with the animal. This presumably led to the attack, since gorillas do not like direct eye contact. They're giving these glasses away at the Rotterdam Zoo following the incident. 

These could be useful in so many situations. The zoo is not one of them.

am Zoo after a woman was attacked by a gorilla she made eye contact with. These could be useful in so many situation.

Presidential Pirate Killers

Happy Easter!

Note to America

Dear America,

Just wanted to remind you that a short time ago, we used to watch this on prime time TV - like it was normal to live with a furry monster man who talked on the phone a lot and made you ham sandwiches.

Have a good night,
Me

P.S.: Should I be Alf for Halloween?

Tool of Year

"My card doesn't fit in a Rolodex, because it doesn't belong in a Rolodex!"

The Future of Plastic Surgery

Japan is better than the rest of the world in basically everything. This boob machine basically takes the cake. You've got it going on Japan, I'm not going to lie. Keep it up. 

Picture of the Week 3.27.09

Where do I start?

Just Kick It!

Ahh, dude, you're out of freedom fries? Give me the Obama Fingers then.

Obama-Fingers (w/curry sauce): Germany's homage to our new president 

"It was supposed to be a homage to the American lifestyle and the new US president," said... Judith Witting, sales manager for Sprehe... "Americans are more relaxed. Not like us stiff Germans, like (Chancellor Angela) Merkel."

WAIT...IT GETS BETTER. Judith adds:

The idea, she claimed, was to get in on the Obama-mania which is continuing to grip Germany. The word "fingers" in the name refers to the fact that it is a finger food. "It's like hotdogs," Witting said. "No one would ever think they are actually from dogs."

Wait, these aren't Obama's fingers? Coated and fried? No thanks then. 

Wal-Mart's Latest Combo Deal: Buy a Wallet, Get 10 Teeth

FALMOUTH, Mass. — A customer shopping at a Walmart in Falmouth told store workers he found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was about to purchase.

Police said the man found the teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in the wallet. One tooth had a filling.
The customer turned the wallet and the teeth over to employees but left the store without giving his name.
Police investigating the incident told The Cape Cod Times that the teeth belong to an adult, but since there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth, they would be unable to perform DNA tests.

A Walmart spokeswoman said the company believes it was an "isolated incident," but will investigate.

-- Associated Press

Butt Implants Make it Big on Local TV; Reporter Loses Control

If you have a tiny bum, I'm all for butt implants. However, I am not all for having butt implants as headliners on local news. Actually, what am I talking about. This video is beautiful insanity at its greatest. The reporter completely loses control, which is perfectly understandable with the b-roll the station decided to air. Why on earth did the implantee need to keep poking at it to demonstrate the problem?
Why not jut buy yourself some of these?

Picture of the Week 3.3.09

March is Women's History Month so it is a perfect time to remind all the ladies out there that if you want to avoid unwanted and unwarranted drunken kisses, the uglier, the better.

"Oh someone is down..."

Watch as New York's PIX 11 reports on these crazy women during Filene's Running of the Brides and half way through, their camera man catches footage of one of them on the ground. The reaction is priceless. I was at Filene's Union Square yesterday, one day after this fiasco, and the fitting room attendants told me they had to blow off some steam after what they had gone through with the brides. What method did they choose? They were using the store intercom to page celebrities - just while I was in the store, I heard pages for Cameron Diaz, Sylvester Stallonne, and Sean Combs. Each followed by a burst of laughs from Filene's staff. Thumbs up to you Filene's staff - I like it!



On a separate note, This video makes me very sad to be a lady.

Resumes Don't Get Better Than This

This little beauty was submitted to Boosh magazine for an editorial position.  Enjoy!

******

Desire: 

Looking for position as editorial writer at top-notch premier publication.

Salary:
$37,000 or higher (This is slightly negotiable depending of size of publication).

Objective:
To ascertain a highly fulfilling level of happiness and to dominate competition on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I want to be the best at everything I do, whether it be to get you a Starbucks coffee or to negotiate a multi-billion dollar merger between international juggernauts.

Education:
Mesa State College- Grand Junction, CO
Bachelor of Communication. 2004-2008
Minor in Song Composition.

Experience:

2007 to present: Wal-Mart supply/ customer service management associate.
- Responsible for overseeing stock levels in workout solutions department on a daily basis.
- Proficient in assisting customers with questions regarding function of equipment.
- Approach each day with a friendly, calm and non-violent demeanor.

2005-2007: Fuzzy Bunny’s Dance Bar.
- Bartender, bouncer and marketing representative.
- Excelled at managing female employees schedules while monitoring their interaction with customers.
- Obtained excellent interpersonal skills and developed very influential and life long relationships.

2004: Fashion Editor for Mesa State College Criterion.
- Worked closely with top fashion icons in Grand Junction and Mesa State College to discover and write about new emerging trends in country western apparel.
- Was highly revered in community and was offered salary position at Billy’s Boot Depot as executive purchasing director.

2003 and earlier: Unemployed due to enrollment in High School.

Awards:
06/2008:
- Grand Junction Wal-Mart Employee of the Month. Demonstrated ability of overachieve.

Fall Semester, 2004:
- Recognized by Mesa State Cowgirl Club as Mr. Country Western Fashion.

Skills:
- Superior Negotiation, calm bartering, uncanny ability to make people laugh, can lift 80 lbs barbells, strive to show up to work on time and extreme likeability.

UnbeWEAVEable!

First and foremost, did FOX just call this segment UnbeWEAVEable? I'm semi disgusted and semi amused by FOX's unexpected wit. Now to the fact that a woman's weave stopped a bullet aimed at her head by her ex-boyfriend, Juan. Lots of problems with this one, particularly the fact that this woman was dodging bullets, Point-Break style, coming from her boyfriend. But why focus on the negative when there is a much more worthwhile lesson to this story: weave wearers all over the country now know that they are not only paying for long, luscious locks, they are also paying for a fashion-forward bullet proof helmet in case you are ever caught in a shootout.
The FBI and National Police Commission should make weaves mandatory for all field employees, men and women alike. I don't know about you but knowing that my dome is safe would make me feel a lot better when patrolling gang territory.

Picture of the Week 2.19.09

A CVS employee's idea of a good joke.

Very Big Lobsters Have Claws As Big As Your Face

Lobsters, like humans, come in all shapes and sizes. Except lobsters get bigger as they age, and people don't. Thank God. Or else Boca Raton would have to be some sort of giant's paradise with massive bagels the size of truck tires.

Anyway, apparently New York City is dealing with a much bigger problem than SNL's perfection-filled parody of their blind commander-in-chief. What's the problem you ask? An influx of really, really big lobsters. Within the last two months, I've read about two (2) 20 lb lobsters that were being released after their respective restaurant owners started to feel bad about keeping them in tiny tanks. Are lobsters eating the same hormone-pumped meat that's making our butts too big for TV? What's up lobsters? You weren't this big a few years ago.

First there was George: A 20-pound lobster, who was said to be 140-years-old and was released from City Crab and Seafood on Park Avenue after owners caved into protests and released Jorge into Maine waters.

Then, there's Craig: Also 20 pounds, but 60 years younger than George. Craig was purchased by owners of Halu Japanese Restaurant and Grill in Dyker Heights just last week, who started to feel bad for their purchase and later decided to release him in Maine. Oh and also, his claws are larger than a person's face - at least that's what every article about this topic chose to emphasize.

Good for you Craig and George. Finally, a positive news story. Why are big lobsters named after old Jewish men? Wouldn't it be more appropriate if they had Native American names, like Craig Big Claw, George Silent Killer or even, you know, Heavy D or C, or Big Punisher?

How to Survive in the Streets of NYC

Founder of Vice magazine shows us how to stay safe from ninja toddlers.

BYOS Workplace

Look, I don't want to dog anyone, but on my way to work this morning a man walked into the building elevator with one of those long, skinny soda boxes and his co-worker goes, "Is that case of beer?" and he goes, "I wish. Nah, it's just my caffeine fix for the next few days." It was Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi for crying out loud. There's something about flavored sodas that make me angry. This man was bringing a 12-pack of Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi to work. He nursed it all the way from home, like a baby, but it was Pepsi. And he's going to drink it. 12 cans. In the "next few days." Only in America.

Celebrating Vintage Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Stand Up Presentation from Demetri Martin

"Get that man another shot, maybe some whiskey, in a thimble."

Important Things with Demetri Martin on Comedy Central 10:30 pm Wednesdays

Picture/Video of the Week 2.8.09

No witty commentary needed here. This sandwich is just pure insanity. 

Back in 2006, the Illinois-based Gateway Grizzlies baseball team teamed up with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts to create this nastified sandwich, consisting of a "thick and juicy burger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon. The burger is then placed in between each side of a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut." The sandwich was apparently modeled after the Luther Burger from a suburban bar in Decatur, GA called Mulligan's. Mulligan's also offers the "hamdog," a hotdog which is wrapped in a beef patty and deep-fried. While you are at it, why not cover it in refried beans and serve it a la mode with a side of hash browns? 

Now, just when you thought it couldn't get any grosser, Food Network's Paula Deen shows us an even quicker route to death: Use 2 donuts instead of 1 sliced in half! In the world of Paula Deen, 2 is always better than 1:

If they served this sandwich in prison, prison overpopulation would no longer be an issue. Maybe a more humane solution to deer overpopulation?

For more food info that thrills, not kills, check out I Ate It My Way. 

Katie Hearts Weezy

His name starts with a lil’, he has a syrup addiction and accidentally shot himself in the chest while watching a Biggie music video and holding a hamburger when he was kid. He’s also happens to be a rap genius, and thanks to yesterday’s interview with Katie Couric, I now know that me and Lil Weezy unexpectedly have a lot in common. I also know that this public relations goldmine of an interview makes me (and apparently Katie Couric too) want to put insane and perverse Lil Wayne in a BabyBjörn and carry him around town.



When did you get so cute Weezy?! Anyway, below is a chart highlighting how me and Lil Wayne were basically separated at birth:



Now that I look at it, maybe most of our similarities stopped in middle school when he started buying guns and I started investing in underwire bras. By the way, did anyone catch him calling Katie Couric his boo?

Can’t get enough of Weezy? Check out his latest interview in GQ.

Murses go Global

I was watching an unmentionable show at the gym today where each contestant had to bring one item they can't live without - and one contestant brought his murse. I don't know where I've been, but that was the first time I've ever heard that term for a man purse. How did I miss out on that?! Anyway, I got home and started doing some research on murses and kablam, I came across this:



I don't know what Russki Beat is saying, but he sure knows how to work a cocktail purse. What's the big deal with murses anyway? If I was a man, I'd have a murse. I mean c'mon, where are men supposed to store their beef jerkey and other manly items? Would you prefer this:



or this:



I didn't think so.

Japan Mechanizes Sex

Japan! C'mon. Birth planning program?! This isn't how you make babies! You can't just shut down their terminals, turn off the heat and expect them to go home to make sexy time. We know you like robots, but if you want more Japanese tykes, how about a little romance?

Japan, if you are listening, below are my recommendations to amp up your birth planning program: 

1. T - 1 hour: Distribute sake shots to employees.

2. T - half hour: Start dimming the lights to set the mood. Follow with a Japanese rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men over the loudspeaker.

3. T - fifteen minutes: We have two options at this stage. Flash "suggestive" photos every 30 seconds on employees' computers as they rush to finalize their budget memos before shutdown. Or, the respective company's CEO can also choose to read one chapter of his/her favorite Harlequin romance over the loudspeaker. (Harlequin is huge in Japan btw).

4. T- 0 minutes: Shut down lights, heat, computers. Hand out goody bags to employees filled with branded "giveaways." Canon lube, Canon oysters (c'mon, they are aphrodisiacs), Canon...I'll stop here. 

5. Last but not least, to keep everyone honest, each employee will record how much sex they had the night before on a public "birth planning" Excel worksheet. At the end of the month, the winners gets a free 2 hour karaoke session.

6. If you see no significant increase in Japan's birth rate at this point, it is time to take drastic measures. Make better use of those sleep pods (i.e., capsule hotels) you created and install them directly in a designated area in your company, lets say, the champagne room. That way, you can keep the baby-making in-house and limit the hours of lost productivity resulting from closing your offices at 5.

Ok, I could go on with this topic forever, so I'll stop. I just want to give a shout out to the most adorable Japanese tykes I've ever seen at the end of this video.  Holla!

 

Picture of the Week 1.28.09

In light of the largely horrible weather across the U.S. today, I'd like to share this incomprehensible message with you. 

It's Not Just For Leftovers Anymore

All You is your every day women's magazine. It stays on top of the latest quick and healthy dinners, 10 symptoms you should never ignore and of course, tips on how to look good at every age. In their latest issue, they also offer an innovative way to commit suicide while moisturizing your lips: 

"Soften your pout: coat lips with petroleum jelly, then cover mouth with plastic wrap. After 5 minutes, remove wrap and scrub your lips with a soft toothbrush."

Unfortunately, most readers won't make it to the scrubbing with a soft toothbrush step.  Am I the only one who doesn't understand how this is logistically possible without losing consciousness? I think I'll just keep applying ChapStick every 10 minutes like a 12 -year-old girl who collects Lip Smackers and smells of grape, bubble gum and strawberry banana.

Pathmark: Watch Yourself, Show 'Em What You Workin' With

Pathmark Atlantic Center is like no other place on earth. Every other Sunday, I head over there knowing that I'm just setting myself up for a complete nonsense show. The cart to people ratio is probably 20 to 1, the vegetable misters misfire sometimes and shoot you in the face, the average wait time to check out is around 35 minutes and there is always the risk of a Kool-Aid spill induced fall. That's why I shouldn't have been surprised by this gem I came across this past Sunday: Pathmark has taken it upon themselves to rename Shady Brook Farms Turkey Meatballs...


That's right. Shady meatballs. For $3.99.
Pathmark, I love you. And I will continue to return to you on a bi-weekly basis in search for affordable Morning Star products, unnecessary harassment by your employees, and of course, shady meatballs.

P.S.: Atlantic Center is also home to the worst Target you've ever set your eyes on. Thanks to FIPS for this behind the scenes expose.

Picture of the Week 1.22.09

Next Up on Obama's Agenda of Peace: Wings Strike in Niagara Falls

Just tell me this. Why is there a "growing national demand" for wings? Click on the link to learn more about what Niagara Falls is doing to address this pending national crisis. 

Also tell me this. Why are there Asian establishments named "Wing Fat?" The dry cleaners down the street from me is named Wing Fat cleaner, because as we all know, there is nothing like a little wing fat to get that pesky stain out. 

Buenas Noches Bush.

I don't think it would be appropriate to talk about ridiculous things today, because in all honesty, the ridiculous world took a pause today to do something far from ridiculous - officially inaugurate some much needed change to our world. From the millions of people gathered in DC to my office's inauguration viewing party, today brought together a country that is built upon the cornerstones of individualistic capitalism. From my perspective,  the power of an individual is only manifested to its full potential if nurtured and accepted by the community and society it resides in. Today, we saw a whole nation standing together under one cause (well most of us), and I think it is that solidarity that will play a major role in establishing, not re-establishing, a truly United States like has never been seen before, both in our backyard and beyond. 

Ok, so I can't help it. I just have to mention some of the crazy stuff that went down today: 

1. CNN inauguration facts. Most of them told you exactly what you were watching or made no sense at all. For example, this fact appeared as Aretha Franklin sang: "CNN Fact: Aretha Franklin Sings "My Country 'Tis of Thee" at Inaguration ceremony."  Thank you CNN for explaining exactly what I was seeing, as I was seeing it. 

2. Speaking of Aretha, girl...did you see that hat?! It was gutsy and bold, but imagine it on a regular sized lady. If I put that on, I'd look like a pony somebody got for Christmas. 

3. What's with the massive cheesecake with apples? Ok, I now know that Lincoln loved apples, but what does that have to do with Eli's of Chicago making a 500-pound inaugural cheesecake with an apple middle layer in homage to Lincoln's love of apples?! They'll use 100 pounds of cream cheese, 30 pounds of sugar, 25 pounds of sour cream, 126 eggs, 50 pounds of apples and 30 pounds of butter to bake it. The cheesecake is being served at the Commander-in-Chief Ball and leftovers donated to the DC Food bank. Does the DC Food bank want 200 lbs. of leftover cheesecake with apples? With all that butter, it should be malleable enough to create a pretty life-like Lincoln statue. That's my vote. 

4. Funky Fresh. Whoever is covering the youth ball, Gary Tuchman, keeps using the word funky, as in Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. He keeps talking about the funky way the attendees are dressed, funky performers, funky crowd - basically there's just a whole lot of funk up at the Washington Sheraton. He also told Kanye West that he brought down the house. 

5. Cheney's Legacy. As if it wasn't bad enough to mistaken someone in your cabinet for a bird, Cheney is at it again by injuring himself in the moving process. Cheney injured himself lifting boxes and had to attend the inauguration in a wheelchair. Seriously, the Bush administration is like a MAD TV sketch, embarrassingly bad. 

I'm sure there are many more, but all this change has me beat. Goodnight Guantanamo. Goodnight Afghanistan. Goodnight Iraq. Goodnight Bush. Goodnight moon.

Non-Potential Friends?

Who do you consider non-potential friends? Let me know and I might just add it to my rolling list (check it out on the sidebar). 

Picture of the Week 1.14.09

Who needs a bluetooth, when you have rubber bands. Take that technology. For all of you who wear a bluetooth, this version is actually cooler - that doesn't say much for your "sleek design." Unless you are driving, bluetooth headsets are basically antennas for lame people. Non-potential friends actually. 

Alright, Who Took My Hair Hat?!

I'm all for the Japanese, from Hello Kitty, to Beard Papa Cream Puffs, to goth Harajuku girls, but hair hats?! Click on the link to check out the whole collection. Less time I checked, a large percentage of us already have hair hats - and mine sometimes looks like a rhino if I use too much product.

I do prefer these to the lame "hair hats" being sold at Skymall (see below) though.

You Like?

Oh Bret.

Cruise Ships: Ai ai ai!

What is the deal with today's cruise ships?! It seems like every other day someone is jumping off a balcony, "accidentally" going overboard, poisoning themselves with cocktail shrimp, and last but not least, being attacked by modern-day pirates. Aren't cruise ships supposed to 

be a haven for sun-burned Midwesterners looking for all-you can-eat seafood, 24-hour gambling and pina coladas? Looks like cruises have become just about as safe as a circus motorcycle show. Below is a summary of some cruise-related, high-seas hijinks from the past year for us to reflect on:

Coast Guard searching for missing Carnival entertainer

Overboard Incidents on Cruise Ships 

Pirate Threat Prompts Another Cruise Ship Evacuation Near Somalia 

Last time I was on a cruise, it was only 1 hour long from Miami to the Bahamas and the "Entertainment" was a man who just kept calling everyone in the audience a "poopoo head." I'm not a toddler, so I didn't get the joke. If this guy is still "entertaining," I might have an explanation for why people are jumping overboard. 

Britney's "Circus": Unsexified

Please watch this. This guy is dancing in the shower and he's pretty good - not like the "Single Ladies" guy, but he has some moves. The true beauty of it comes at the end though, so be sure to sit through the whole 3:44 minutes of it.  He worked so hard to raise the sexy scale - and then managed to knock it right down to Golden Girls level with that ending.