Resumes Don't Get Better Than This

This little beauty was submitted to Boosh magazine for an editorial position.  Enjoy!

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Desire: 

Looking for position as editorial writer at top-notch premier publication.

Salary:
$37,000 or higher (This is slightly negotiable depending of size of publication).

Objective:
To ascertain a highly fulfilling level of happiness and to dominate competition on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I want to be the best at everything I do, whether it be to get you a Starbucks coffee or to negotiate a multi-billion dollar merger between international juggernauts.

Education:
Mesa State College- Grand Junction, CO
Bachelor of Communication. 2004-2008
Minor in Song Composition.

Experience:

2007 to present: Wal-Mart supply/ customer service management associate.
- Responsible for overseeing stock levels in workout solutions department on a daily basis.
- Proficient in assisting customers with questions regarding function of equipment.
- Approach each day with a friendly, calm and non-violent demeanor.

2005-2007: Fuzzy Bunny’s Dance Bar.
- Bartender, bouncer and marketing representative.
- Excelled at managing female employees schedules while monitoring their interaction with customers.
- Obtained excellent interpersonal skills and developed very influential and life long relationships.

2004: Fashion Editor for Mesa State College Criterion.
- Worked closely with top fashion icons in Grand Junction and Mesa State College to discover and write about new emerging trends in country western apparel.
- Was highly revered in community and was offered salary position at Billy’s Boot Depot as executive purchasing director.

2003 and earlier: Unemployed due to enrollment in High School.

Awards:
06/2008:
- Grand Junction Wal-Mart Employee of the Month. Demonstrated ability of overachieve.

Fall Semester, 2004:
- Recognized by Mesa State Cowgirl Club as Mr. Country Western Fashion.

Skills:
- Superior Negotiation, calm bartering, uncanny ability to make people laugh, can lift 80 lbs barbells, strive to show up to work on time and extreme likeability.

UnbeWEAVEable!

First and foremost, did FOX just call this segment UnbeWEAVEable? I'm semi disgusted and semi amused by FOX's unexpected wit. Now to the fact that a woman's weave stopped a bullet aimed at her head by her ex-boyfriend, Juan. Lots of problems with this one, particularly the fact that this woman was dodging bullets, Point-Break style, coming from her boyfriend. But why focus on the negative when there is a much more worthwhile lesson to this story: weave wearers all over the country now know that they are not only paying for long, luscious locks, they are also paying for a fashion-forward bullet proof helmet in case you are ever caught in a shootout.
The FBI and National Police Commission should make weaves mandatory for all field employees, men and women alike. I don't know about you but knowing that my dome is safe would make me feel a lot better when patrolling gang territory.

Picture of the Week 2.19.09

A CVS employee's idea of a good joke.

Very Big Lobsters Have Claws As Big As Your Face

Lobsters, like humans, come in all shapes and sizes. Except lobsters get bigger as they age, and people don't. Thank God. Or else Boca Raton would have to be some sort of giant's paradise with massive bagels the size of truck tires.

Anyway, apparently New York City is dealing with a much bigger problem than SNL's perfection-filled parody of their blind commander-in-chief. What's the problem you ask? An influx of really, really big lobsters. Within the last two months, I've read about two (2) 20 lb lobsters that were being released after their respective restaurant owners started to feel bad about keeping them in tiny tanks. Are lobsters eating the same hormone-pumped meat that's making our butts too big for TV? What's up lobsters? You weren't this big a few years ago.

First there was George: A 20-pound lobster, who was said to be 140-years-old and was released from City Crab and Seafood on Park Avenue after owners caved into protests and released Jorge into Maine waters.

Then, there's Craig: Also 20 pounds, but 60 years younger than George. Craig was purchased by owners of Halu Japanese Restaurant and Grill in Dyker Heights just last week, who started to feel bad for their purchase and later decided to release him in Maine. Oh and also, his claws are larger than a person's face - at least that's what every article about this topic chose to emphasize.

Good for you Craig and George. Finally, a positive news story. Why are big lobsters named after old Jewish men? Wouldn't it be more appropriate if they had Native American names, like Craig Big Claw, George Silent Killer or even, you know, Heavy D or C, or Big Punisher?

How to Survive in the Streets of NYC

Founder of Vice magazine shows us how to stay safe from ninja toddlers.

BYOS Workplace

Look, I don't want to dog anyone, but on my way to work this morning a man walked into the building elevator with one of those long, skinny soda boxes and his co-worker goes, "Is that case of beer?" and he goes, "I wish. Nah, it's just my caffeine fix for the next few days." It was Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi for crying out loud. There's something about flavored sodas that make me angry. This man was bringing a 12-pack of Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi to work. He nursed it all the way from home, like a baby, but it was Pepsi. And he's going to drink it. 12 cans. In the "next few days." Only in America.

Celebrating Vintage Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Stand Up Presentation from Demetri Martin

"Get that man another shot, maybe some whiskey, in a thimble."

Important Things with Demetri Martin on Comedy Central 10:30 pm Wednesdays

Picture/Video of the Week 2.8.09

No witty commentary needed here. This sandwich is just pure insanity. 

Back in 2006, the Illinois-based Gateway Grizzlies baseball team teamed up with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts to create this nastified sandwich, consisting of a "thick and juicy burger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon. The burger is then placed in between each side of a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut." The sandwich was apparently modeled after the Luther Burger from a suburban bar in Decatur, GA called Mulligan's. Mulligan's also offers the "hamdog," a hotdog which is wrapped in a beef patty and deep-fried. While you are at it, why not cover it in refried beans and serve it a la mode with a side of hash browns? 

Now, just when you thought it couldn't get any grosser, Food Network's Paula Deen shows us an even quicker route to death: Use 2 donuts instead of 1 sliced in half! In the world of Paula Deen, 2 is always better than 1:

If they served this sandwich in prison, prison overpopulation would no longer be an issue. Maybe a more humane solution to deer overpopulation?

For more food info that thrills, not kills, check out I Ate It My Way. 

Katie Hearts Weezy

His name starts with a lil’, he has a syrup addiction and accidentally shot himself in the chest while watching a Biggie music video and holding a hamburger when he was kid. He’s also happens to be a rap genius, and thanks to yesterday’s interview with Katie Couric, I now know that me and Lil Weezy unexpectedly have a lot in common. I also know that this public relations goldmine of an interview makes me (and apparently Katie Couric too) want to put insane and perverse Lil Wayne in a BabyBjörn and carry him around town.



When did you get so cute Weezy?! Anyway, below is a chart highlighting how me and Lil Wayne were basically separated at birth:



Now that I look at it, maybe most of our similarities stopped in middle school when he started buying guns and I started investing in underwire bras. By the way, did anyone catch him calling Katie Couric his boo?

Can’t get enough of Weezy? Check out his latest interview in GQ.

Murses go Global

I was watching an unmentionable show at the gym today where each contestant had to bring one item they can't live without - and one contestant brought his murse. I don't know where I've been, but that was the first time I've ever heard that term for a man purse. How did I miss out on that?! Anyway, I got home and started doing some research on murses and kablam, I came across this:



I don't know what Russki Beat is saying, but he sure knows how to work a cocktail purse. What's the big deal with murses anyway? If I was a man, I'd have a murse. I mean c'mon, where are men supposed to store their beef jerkey and other manly items? Would you prefer this:



or this:



I didn't think so.