Thursday, December 25, 2008

SkyMall: You Like?

On a recent flight from New York to Miami, I realized that SkyMall catalogs have become increasingly more ridiculous – not just any kind of ridiculous – Richard Simmons, sweating to the oldies, ridiculous. Is there something about a plane that makes people want a 6 feet resin big foot in their garden (see below)? On dry land, none of that s*#%t would fly. No pun intended.

If you are feeling like Santa Claus wasn’t quite good to you this year, here’s a few items you should be thankful for not receiving:

1. Flair Hair Visor – Adult ($24.99)
“Instantly give yourself a head-turning new 'do and amuse friends-- and strangers! Shield your face at game and outdoor events in this fun visor with a brown, gray or blonde shock of hair up top...Machine wash and dry. Pat.”
Doesn’t this look like a furry teddy bear dove into your brain head first? I’d like to buy this just so I can wash it and “pat” my ‘do back into shape.

2. Big Foot Garden Sculpture ($98.95)
“With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style!”
Customer review on “We have purchased this gift for many of our friends and they are really good friends...We have also had our friends dress him/her up according to the season."
If I had a yeti, I’d dress him up like Carmen Miranda. I'd give him a North Face fleece in the winter of course.

3. Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table ($225)
No description needed.
I heard this is back-ordered in Japan. They can’t get enough of it. Wait, can you imagine the "back side" of this table? Uhh.

4. Portable Desk ($39.99)
“When you have work to do, having no place to sit is no longer a problem. Now you can use your laptop standing or even walking with this portable desk.”
This is perfect for getting a little work done as I stand in line for chicken McNuggets at McDonald's. What can I say, I’m a nuggnut. This is also perfect for when you’re in the mood for getting punched in the face.

5. The Slanket ($44.99)
“Put your arms in the 13" -wide sleeves and then turn pages, type, knit or do anything else with your hands without uncovering your body.”
It doesn’t get any sexier than this. Hands down. I know if I caught my man in this green fleece bag playing PlayStation, I'd be all over it.

Merry Christmas!!
Keep it coming SkyMall! I only have a few hundred left until I can afford the blow-up pool trampoline.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Son of a Shoe

In memory of his long-awaited departure, and yesterday's long overdue shoe attack, I've compiled a conglomeration of of all things Bush to remind us of the good times. Here's to us Bush:


Check out this great article from today's NYT while you are at it: Shoe-Hurling Iraqi Becomes a Folk Hero

World's Most Clueless Bunny Owner

Overheard at Union Square Pet Smart: "So what kind of harness should I put on my bunny so I can take him for walks?" oh dear lord. 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?

Remember This....

Crystal Pepsi was so ridiculous, it continues to inspire me 16 years later. Whenever I see or hear something absurd, I compare it on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being blankets (there is nothing ridiculous about blankets - think about it) and 10 being Crystal Pepsi. Few things rank along the lines of Crystal Pepsi. I would love to meet the marketing exec who was like, "Yes! I got it - I know how we can build market share - MAKE IT CLEAR BABY!" He's probably been working in his basement to create the new generation of orange juice - Clear Tropicana - since being fired from Pepsi in the mid 90s. I have to say it was very appealing when I was 10. Until I drank it and realized it tasted like Pepsi, but looked like water.  Discuss among yourselves...

Friday, December 5, 2008

College Smells

Ok, so I'm a Penn State graduate. Although I must admit I love people that think PSU is Penn. This is how it typically goes down:

Person who doesn’t know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Hi, nice to meet you. Where did you go to school?"
Me: "Penn State."
Person who doesn’t know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Oh Penn. That's a great school. I don't know if I can hang out with an Ivy Leaguer?!"
Me: "Yes. My intellect is typically overwhelming for most. Let's just part ways before things get too complicated."

Or, the less preferable scenario:

Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Hi, nice to meet you. Where did you go to school?"
Me: "Penn State."
Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Oh dude, awesome! Did you party every night? Shipley is going all the way this year man. Don't you think?"
Me: "Oh yes, dude, ummm, yeah, party, party, party. I can't get enough party! Who, what? A Shipley? Oh yes, sure I'll have one."
Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: ...walks away awkwardly.
Me: "Damn."

All the PSU love fest that goes down at Happy Valley just never rubbed me the right way. It's my fault for thinking that a sporty, Greek-led university was a good match for me though (and I did meet some wonderful people there who allowed me to use the word "sexy" way more often than I ever should.), so I've decided to turn over a new leaf and become a proud, PSU graduate, without the booty shorts with paws on the butt, of course.

Anyway, let me get to the point of this post, which has little to do with everything I've talked about up until this point. Just as I'm working on my new persona, I find this:

Seriously, I mean, really? The only thing that would make this acceptable is if they made a cologne for die hard fans that smelled of beer, ranch dressing, the waffle house and the basement of a frat house. Now that is a worthwhile venture. Sign me up.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Keeping My Sundaes Light

Comedian Horatio Sanz Has Dropped About 100 Pounds

"I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about how I’ve lost weight and I was going to say, 'I stopped putting nuts in my sundaes.'"

Read more in New York Magazine

That's the funniest thing I've heard in a while. I love Horatio. His chubbiness was part of his act though, ala Chris Farley -- weird to imagine him doing some of my favorite SNL skits as a skinny man. If i had to write a thesis again, I'd write it on the correlation between weight and comedic performance. Physical comedy just isn't the same if no extremes are involved - be it ultra chubbiness, ultra lanky, ultra short etc. Wonder if Horatio is going to have to re-invent himself as a comedian? Or maybe I should stop with my sociological analysis of weight loss, and just be happy that there are more nuts at McDonald's now for my chocolate sundae. 

Saturday, November 22, 2008

BPL Offers New Service

Announced on the loudspeaker at Brooklyn Public Library: "Have you always wanted to be a US citizen, but never knew how, THEN TODAY IS YOUR DAY! Come see us at the front desk to pickup your immigration papers!"

What's the deal library? Citizenship isn't a 99 cent wings special.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Pizza Stalking Makes Me Happy

I don't consider myself a fatty, but I do like my pizza a whole lot, and I especially like it when Domino's tells me how far along my pizza is in the pizza making process, and exactly when I'm going to get it, and who is going to deliver it! It's too good to be true! This is how it went down: I order a pizza from my nearby Domino's, the phone order lady tells me to track my pizza. track my pizza?! what is my pizza doing that I have to track it?! Anyway, I go on to get to the bottom of it, and enter my phone number under the pizza tracker tab and bam! there's my order. The tracker shows where your pizza is on a 5 step timeline: order placed, prep, bake, box, delivery. I refreshed the webpage continuously for a good 30 minutes until I saw that my pizza was safe and sound in Mohammed's car on the way to my house. Thank god...I got a little nervous there for a little bit when my pizza was loitering in the box stage. Anyway, you read it right - they tell you your delivery guy's name! While calling Mohammed by name when he knocked on the door might have weirded him out (Apparently not everyone monitors their pizza's every move), I think we bonded. Way to go Dominos! Your pizza isn't that tasty, but you sure as hell know how to pizza stalk. 

Monday, November 17, 2008

Literate Dating, Eharmony, they've got nothing on "silent dating." Well, at least if you like to meet people via cute, square paper notes. According to their website (, this is for the set who are tired of "yelling" at your potential target at you local bar. So instead, they pass along little notes, perhaps even "mischievous" notes, as their website describes it. Now, I hate yelling at people at bars, but I also enjoy talking way too much to just focus on writing lame notes back and forth. I thought this might be a good idea at first - after all, it is a guaranteed way to keep me from telling the story of my life on the first date. And it's always much easier to write "your gold pinky ring grosses me out, back off" than to say "hey, your gold pinky ring grosses me out, back off." All in all though, your voice and most importantly, your intonation, says a lot about who your are. Give it a try tomorrow: take a joke someone makes and try different ways of saying it in your head. I'm telling you, a joke can go from awesome to lame town USA in a second. Let me know what you think of the quiet parties, oh, and check out these photos (click on photos and quotes) and let me know if you see a common element among the clientele.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Non-Potential Friends

Look, I know Kindles are old news, but I just recently saw two people with it in the subway and I just can't understand why you'd own such a thing. You are still holding a big, chunky instrument, so why not hold a hard cover (or soft cover, for that matter) book, that has some sort of substance to it? I mean, if you like to read, don't you get joy from buying (or borrowing) books and knowing that between those covers lies a great story? Scrolling pages on a screen will never resemble the real thing, no matter what Kindle-makers say. Needless to say, Kindles make me angry. And those who buy them, and use them, are non-potential friends in my book. Similar to guys who wear backwards visors.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Good for Nothing Plastic Beads Re-energized as UV Detectors

Concern about rising skin cancer rates has prompted Canadian swimwear company Solestrom to design a bikini with an in-built UV meter. The "Smart-Swim Bikini", due to go on sale next month, measures UV intensity and displays it on scale from 0 to 20. Anything above 11 is considered "extreme", and a reading between three and five a "moderate" level of risk. When the reading gets too high, the bikini alerts the wearer with a beeping alarm, warning the sunworshipper to cover up.

For the more fashion-conscious, "in an ongoing quest to merge fashion and technology", as the company's website puts it, Solestrom has an alternate range with beads that change colour according to UV levels.

Obama McCain Dance-Off

Palin makes an appearance at the end... don't miss it!

Monday, November 3, 2008

McCain's Senior Aide Keeps It Real

Mark Salter, senior aide to John McCain, known for his gruff demeanor, was practically giddy this morning on the campaign plane. Salter, the tempo of his voice increasing with each word, smiled as he described his own mood. “A little hard getting out of bed,” he said, quickly adding: “But eight cups of coffee and a half a pack of cigarettes later, I’m feeling pretty good myself.” When asked how he was planning to get through the marathon seven-state day, Salter quipped: “Crystal meth. Me, personally, that’s how I’m going to do it.” (WSJ)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rock-a-Fire Explosion Tribute to Shakira

Check out the November issue of Spin for the background story on the Rock-a-Fire Explosion:

I'll warn you, this is a little creepy. Ok, not just a little, a lot creepy.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Thanks KRON!

This one is an oldie, but when it comes to ridiculous, this is a grand prize winner.

N*Sync Brings the Smiles

If N*Sync was still around, I bet the economy would never have reached such a low. Not with these smiling faces.

Japan tortures cats