Thursday, December 25, 2008

SkyMall: You Like?

On a recent flight from New York to Miami, I realized that SkyMall catalogs have become increasingly more ridiculous – not just any kind of ridiculous – Richard Simmons, sweating to the oldies, ridiculous. Is there something about a plane that makes people want a 6 feet resin big foot in their garden (see below)? On dry land, none of that s*#%t would fly. No pun intended.

If you are feeling like Santa Claus wasn’t quite good to you this year, here’s a few items you should be thankful for not receiving:

1. Flair Hair Visor – Adult ($24.99)
“Instantly give yourself a head-turning new 'do and amuse friends-- and strangers! Shield your face at game and outdoor events in this fun visor with a brown, gray or blonde shock of hair up top...Machine wash and dry. Pat.”
Doesn’t this look like a furry teddy bear dove into your brain head first? I’d like to buy this just so I can wash it and “pat” my ‘do back into shape.

2. Big Foot Garden Sculpture ($98.95)
“With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style!”
Customer review on “We have purchased this gift for many of our friends and they are really good friends...We have also had our friends dress him/her up according to the season."
If I had a yeti, I’d dress him up like Carmen Miranda. I'd give him a North Face fleece in the winter of course.

3. Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table ($225)
No description needed.
I heard this is back-ordered in Japan. They can’t get enough of it. Wait, can you imagine the "back side" of this table? Uhh.

4. Portable Desk ($39.99)
“When you have work to do, having no place to sit is no longer a problem. Now you can use your laptop standing or even walking with this portable desk.”
This is perfect for getting a little work done as I stand in line for chicken McNuggets at McDonald's. What can I say, I’m a nuggnut. This is also perfect for when you’re in the mood for getting punched in the face.

5. The Slanket ($44.99)
“Put your arms in the 13" -wide sleeves and then turn pages, type, knit or do anything else with your hands without uncovering your body.”
It doesn’t get any sexier than this. Hands down. I know if I caught my man in this green fleece bag playing PlayStation, I'd be all over it.

Merry Christmas!!
Keep it coming SkyMall! I only have a few hundred left until I can afford the blow-up pool trampoline.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Son of a Shoe

In memory of his long-awaited departure, and yesterday's long overdue shoe attack, I've compiled a conglomeration of of all things Bush to remind us of the good times. Here's to us Bush:


Check out this great article from today's NYT while you are at it: Shoe-Hurling Iraqi Becomes a Folk Hero

World's Most Clueless Bunny Owner

Overheard at Union Square Pet Smart: "So what kind of harness should I put on my bunny so I can take him for walks?" oh dear lord. 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?

Remember This....

Crystal Pepsi was so ridiculous, it continues to inspire me 16 years later. Whenever I see or hear something absurd, I compare it on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being blankets (there is nothing ridiculous about blankets - think about it) and 10 being Crystal Pepsi. Few things rank along the lines of Crystal Pepsi. I would love to meet the marketing exec who was like, "Yes! I got it - I know how we can build market share - MAKE IT CLEAR BABY!" He's probably been working in his basement to create the new generation of orange juice - Clear Tropicana - since being fired from Pepsi in the mid 90s. I have to say it was very appealing when I was 10. Until I drank it and realized it tasted like Pepsi, but looked like water.  Discuss among yourselves...

Friday, December 5, 2008

College Smells

Ok, so I'm a Penn State graduate. Although I must admit I love people that think PSU is Penn. This is how it typically goes down:

Person who doesn’t know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Hi, nice to meet you. Where did you go to school?"
Me: "Penn State."
Person who doesn’t know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Oh Penn. That's a great school. I don't know if I can hang out with an Ivy Leaguer?!"
Me: "Yes. My intellect is typically overwhelming for most. Let's just part ways before things get too complicated."

Or, the less preferable scenario:

Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Hi, nice to meet you. Where did you go to school?"
Me: "Penn State."
Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: "Oh dude, awesome! Did you party every night? Shipley is going all the way this year man. Don't you think?"
Me: "Oh yes, dude, ummm, yeah, party, party, party. I can't get enough party! Who, what? A Shipley? Oh yes, sure I'll have one."
Person who does know the difference between PSU and Penn: ...walks away awkwardly.
Me: "Damn."

All the PSU love fest that goes down at Happy Valley just never rubbed me the right way. It's my fault for thinking that a sporty, Greek-led university was a good match for me though (and I did meet some wonderful people there who allowed me to use the word "sexy" way more often than I ever should.), so I've decided to turn over a new leaf and become a proud, PSU graduate, without the booty shorts with paws on the butt, of course.

Anyway, let me get to the point of this post, which has little to do with everything I've talked about up until this point. Just as I'm working on my new persona, I find this:

Seriously, I mean, really? The only thing that would make this acceptable is if they made a cologne for die hard fans that smelled of beer, ranch dressing, the waffle house and the basement of a frat house. Now that is a worthwhile venture. Sign me up.