Thursday, January 29, 2009

Japan Mechanizes Sex

Japan! C'mon. Birth planning program?! This isn't how you make babies! You can't just shut down their terminals, turn off the heat and expect them to go home to make sexy time. We know you like robots, but if you want more Japanese tykes, how about a little romance?

Japan, if you are listening, below are my recommendations to amp up your birth planning program: 

1. T - 1 hour: Distribute sake shots to employees.
2. T - half hour: Start dimming the lights to set the mood. Follow with a Japanese rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men over the loudspeaker.
3. T - fifteen minutes: We have two options at this stage. Flash "suggestive" photos every 30 seconds on employees' computers as they rush to finalize their budget memos before shutdown. Or, the respective company's CEO can also choose to read one chapter of his/her favorite Harlequin romance over the loudspeaker. (Harlequin is huge in Japan btw).
4. T- 0 minutes: Shut down lights, heat, computers. Hand out goody bags to employees filled with branded "giveaways." Canon lube, Canon oysters (c'mon, they are aphrodisiacs), Canon...I'll stop here. 
5. Last but not least, to keep everyone honest, each employee will record how much sex they had the night before on a public "birth planning" Excel worksheet. At the end of the month, the winners gets a free 2 hour karaoke session.
6. If you see no significant increase in Japan's birth rate at this point, it is time to take drastic measures. Make better use of those sleep pods (i.e., capsule hotels) you created and install them directly in a designated area in your company, lets say, the champagne room. That way, you can keep the baby-making in-house and limit the hours of lost productivity resulting from closing your offices at 5.

Ok, I could go on with this topic forever, so I'll stop. I just want to give a shout out to the most adorable Japanese tykes I've ever seen at the end of this video.  Holla!


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Picture of the Week 1.28.09

In light of the largely horrible weather across the U.S. today, I'd like to share this incomprehensible message with you. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's Not Just For Leftovers Anymore

All You is your every day women's magazine. It stays on top of the latest quick and healthy dinners, 10 symptoms you should never ignore and of course, tips on how to look good at every age. In their latest issue, they also offer an innovative way to commit suicide while moisturizing your lips: 

"Soften your pout: coat lips with petroleum jelly, then cover mouth with plastic wrap. After 5 minutes, remove wrap and scrub your lips with a soft toothbrush."

Unfortunately, most readers won't make it to the scrubbing with a soft toothbrush step.  Am I the only one who doesn't understand how this is logistically possible without losing consciousness? I think I'll just keep applying ChapStick every 10 minutes like a 12 -year-old girl who collects Lip Smackers and smells of grape, bubble gum and strawberry banana.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Pathmark: Watch Yourself, Show 'Em What You Workin' With

Pathmark Atlantic Center is like no other place on earth. Every other Sunday, I head over there knowing that I'm just setting myself up for a complete nonsense show. The cart to people ratio is probably 20 to 1, the vegetable misters misfire sometimes and shoot you in the face, the average wait time to check out is around 35 minutes and there is always the risk of a Kool-Aid spill induced fall. That's why I shouldn't have been surprised by this gem I came across this past Sunday: Pathmark has taken it upon themselves to rename Shady Brook Farms Turkey Meatballs...

That's right. Shady meatballs. For $3.99.
Pathmark, I love you. And I will continue to return to you on a bi-weekly basis in search for affordable Morning Star products, unnecessary harassment by your employees, and of course, shady meatballs.

P.S.: Atlantic Center is also home to the worst Target you've ever set your eyes on. Thanks to FIPS for this behind the scenes expose.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Picture of the Week 1.22.09

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Next Up on Obama's Agenda of Peace: Wings Strike in Niagara Falls

Just tell me this. Why is there a "growing national demand" for wings? Click on the link to learn more about what Niagara Falls is doing to address this pending national crisis. 

Also tell me this. Why are there Asian establishments named "Wing Fat?" The dry cleaners down the street from me is named Wing Fat cleaner, because as we all know, there is nothing like a little wing fat to get that pesky stain out. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Buenas Noches Bush.

I don't think it would be appropriate to talk about ridiculous things today, because in all honesty, the ridiculous world took a pause today to do something far from ridiculous - officially inaugurate some much needed change to our world. From the millions of people gathered in DC to my office's inauguration viewing party, today brought together a country that is built upon the cornerstones of individualistic capitalism. From my perspective,  the power of an individual is only manifested to its full potential if nurtured and accepted by the community and society it resides in. Today, we saw a whole nation standing together under one cause (well most of us), and I think it is that solidarity that will play a major role in establishing, not re-establishing, a truly United States like has never been seen before, both in our backyard and beyond. 

Ok, so I can't help it. I just have to mention some of the crazy stuff that went down today: 

1. CNN inauguration facts. Most of them told you exactly what you were watching or made no sense at all. For example, this fact appeared as Aretha Franklin sang: "CNN Fact: Aretha Franklin Sings "My Country 'Tis of Thee" at Inaguration ceremony."  Thank you CNN for explaining exactly what I was seeing, as I was seeing it. 
2. Speaking of Aretha, girl...did you see that hat?! It was gutsy and bold, but imagine it on a regular sized lady. If I put that on, I'd look like a pony somebody got for Christmas. 
3. What's with the massive cheesecake with apples? Ok, I now know that Lincoln loved apples, but what does that have to do with Eli's of Chicago making a 500-pound inaugural cheesecake with an apple middle layer in homage to Lincoln's love of apples?! They'll use 100 pounds of cream cheese, 30 pounds of sugar, 25 pounds of sour cream, 126 eggs, 50 pounds of apples and 30 pounds of butter to bake it. The cheesecake is being served at the Commander-in-Chief Ball and leftovers donated to the DC Food bank. Does the DC Food bank want 200 lbs. of leftover cheesecake with apples? With all that butter, it should be malleable enough to create a pretty life-like Lincoln statue. That's my vote. 
4. Funky Fresh. Whoever is covering the youth ball, Gary Tuchman, keeps using the word funky, as in Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. He keeps talking about the funky way the attendees are dressed, funky performers, funky crowd - basically there's just a whole lot of funk up at the Washington Sheraton. He also told Kanye West that he brought down the house. 
5. Cheney's Legacy. As if it wasn't bad enough to mistaken someone in your cabinet for a bird, Cheney is at it again by injuring himself in the moving process. Cheney injured himself lifting boxes and had to attend the inauguration in a wheelchair. Seriously, the Bush administration is like a MAD TV sketch, embarrassingly bad. 

I'm sure there are many more, but all this change has me beat. Goodnight Guantanamo. Goodnight Afghanistan. Goodnight Iraq. Goodnight Bush. Goodnight moon.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Non-Potential Friends?

Who do you consider non-potential friends? Let me know and I might just add it to my rolling list (check it out on the sidebar). 

Picture of the Week 1.14.09

Who needs a bluetooth, when you have rubber bands. Take that technology. For all of you who wear a bluetooth, this version is actually cooler - that doesn't say much for your "sleek design." Unless you are driving, bluetooth headsets are basically antennas for lame people. Non-potential friends actually. 

Alright, Who Took My Hair Hat?!

I'm all for the Japanese, from Hello Kitty, to Beard Papa Cream Puffs, to goth Harajuku girls, but hair hats?! Click on the link to check out the whole collection. Less time I checked, a large percentage of us already have hair hats - and mine sometimes looks like a rhino if I use too much product.
I do prefer these to the lame "hair hats" being sold at Skymall (see below) though.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

You Like?

Oh Bret.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Cruise Ships: Ai ai ai!

What is the deal with today's cruise ships?! It seems like every other day someone is jumping off a balcony, "accidentally" going overboard, poisoning themselves with cocktail shrimp, and last but not least, being attacked by modern-day pirates. Aren't cruise ships supposed to 
be a haven for sun-burned Midwesterners looking for all-you can-eat seafood, 24-hour gambling and pina coladas? Looks like cruises have become just about as safe as a circus motorcycle show. Below is a summary of some cruise-related, high-seas hijinks from the past year for us to reflect on:

Last time I was on a cruise, it was only 1 hour long from Miami to the Bahamas and the "Entertainment" was a man who just kept calling everyone in the audience a "poopoo head." I'm not a toddler, so I didn't get the joke. If this guy is still "entertaining," I might have an explanation for why people are jumping overboard. 

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Britney's "Circus": Unsexified

Please watch this. This guy is dancing in the shower and he's pretty good - not like the "Single Ladies" guy, but he has some moves. The true beauty of it comes at the end though, so be sure to sit through the whole 3:44 minutes of it.  He worked so hard to raise the sexy scale - and then managed to knock it right down to Golden Girls level with that ending.