Japan! C'mon. Birth planning program?! This isn't how you make babies! You can't just shut down their terminals, turn off the heat and expect them to go home to make sexy time. We know you like robots, but if you want more Japanese tykes, how about a little romance?
Japan, if you are listening, below are my recommendations to amp up your birth planning program:
1. T - 1 hour: Distribute sake shots to employees.
2. T - half hour: Start dimming the lights to set the mood. Follow with a Japanese rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men over the loudspeaker.
3. T - fifteen minutes: We have two options at this stage. Flash "suggestive" photos every 30 seconds on employees' computers as they rush to finalize their budget memos before shutdown. Or, the respective company's CEO can also choose to read one chapter of his/her favorite Harlequin romance over the loudspeaker. (Harlequin is huge in Japan btw).
4. T- 0 minutes: Shut down lights, heat, computers. Hand out goody bags to employees filled with branded "giveaways." Canon lube, Canon oysters (c'mon, they are aphrodisiacs), Canon...I'll stop here.
5. Last but not least, to keep everyone honest, each employee will record how much sex they had the night before on a public "birth planning" Excel worksheet. At the end of the month, the winners gets a free 2 hour karaoke session.
6. If you see no significant increase in Japan's birth rate at this point, it is time to take drastic measures. Make better use of those sleep pods (i.e., capsule hotels) you created and install them directly in a designated area in your company, lets say, the champagne room. That way, you can keep the baby-making in-house and limit the hours of lost productivity resulting from closing your offices at 5.
Ok, I could go on with this topic forever, so I'll stop. I just want to give a shout out to the most adorable Japanese tykes I've ever seen at the end of this video. Holla!